Intimate Postpartum Conversations.
I wanted to thank Deb Purcell for sharing her story with us on B4TB. Postpartum depression is a very serious and important conversation to have with all new Mothers, families and friends. In light of what recently happened to beautiful Florence Leung here in Vancouver I wanted to generate a safe platform for Women who need support – we will be starting a private Facebook group in honour of Florence where all women can come to ask questions and get the support they may need to talk about what’s happening for them, or be guided in the direction of professional help.
I too had a very lengthy and dark journey through postpartum psychosis with the birth of my son, which has ultimately lead me to the work I am doing today – PPD and PPA are physiological and psychological and not make believe syndromes.
The female body is very intricate and hormones after the birth of a child can often be really out of alignment (progesterone levels depleted specifically) and it is only through the support of nutrition, often medication, group support and rest that a woman can begin to crawl out from the grips of this terrible mental and physical illness.
If you are struggling to feel connected to yourself, your baby or life in general. If you are feeling overwhelmed, extremely tired, alone or fearful for an extended period of time (more than two weeks and consistently) please reach out to a family member, friend or an organization near you that can support you with what’s happening in your body.
You are not alone. We can get you through this, I promise.
So let’s begin.
I am eager for you to hear Deb’s experience and how you can support a woman who might be struggling.
No More Silence, No More Isolation – by Deb Purcell
Most people don’t know this about me because I was too ashamed to talk about it for a long time. Now, the people close to me know about it, but I’ve never shared this publicly.
However, after hearing about one mom I know develop postpartum psychosis, another with postpartum depression and then hearing about the woman from New Westminster with a 2-month old baby who went missing with suspected postpartum depression, and then to hear she is no longer with us, I’m speaking out.
After my third child Sadie was born, I experienced some form postpartum depression. It was never diagnosed, but I didn’t know how to make it to the next moment let alone the next minute. I had suicidal thoughts but felt too stuck to act on them because I could not abandon my kids, I felt helpless, and all of this led to 5 years of alcohol and sleeping pills to quell my fear of sleep.
I say all this because there seems to be this idea out there that having babies is easy. It is not. There is a reason for the saying: “It takes a village to raise a child.” Having a baby is incredible- from ecstasy to despair, but the ecstasy side of the spectrum (the good stuff) only happens if you have the support you need to experience it, and I do not believe our culture as a whole supports new moms even close to well enough.
We seem to be particularly “villageless”, us and our nuclear families… Moms with new babies here are expected to go back to work, to get back in shape, to cook, to have a clean and tidy house, to look after their other children, to get back to their previous life, basically to get back to doing it all (by themselves), within days or weeks of having a baby.
The expectations and pressures are completely unrealistic. Add this to our tendency to push away and hide uncomfortable feelings AND social media which makes it seem like everyone else has it together and we’re the only ones failing (5 minutes before we posted that cute baby photo on Facebook and Instagram, we were sobbing on the floor. Really), and it’s a recipe for disaster.
When disaster strikes like it did for me after Sadie was born, no one took me seriously, or at least not seriously enough. I’m not sure if the people who knew what was going on knew what to do, or how to help, or that it was as serious as it was? In my mind, I felt (and still feel) like people thought: “This is what having babies is like. Yes, it’s hard, but it will end and everyone does it and you just have to get through it and suck it up.” It’s been like this for other women I know too (and PS. I don’t want to just have to “get through it”. I wanted this baby, I want to love having a baby!!). They had to be hospitalized or do something drastic (like disappear) to get heard.
The thing was, I couldn’t suck it up or work harder. I had been pushed under the water and was drowning. I needed someone to pull me up and there was no one there. Which is where the drugs and alcohol came in. Yoga and meditation are what helped me quit the drugs and alcohol.
With my fourth child, I got prepared. I knew my limits, I knew what I was scared of, and I set myself up with the tools and supports I needed to help me.
I also consciously let go of cultural ideas about how quickly I needed to “get back at it” after having a baby and I let go of the “super mom” ideal that I should be able to do it all, by myself. Without external pressures, I didn’t have to worry about getting back to my “pre-pregnancy shape” (insert barf emoticon. I birthed a freaking human, my body will never be the same!) or somehow watch one child at gymnastics for 5-hours because she is having a hard time adjusting to the new sibling in the house, while making dinner, while picking up two other kids from school, while breastfeeding, while doing laundry- you get the idea.
My hope in writing this blog is that our awareness surrounding the postnatal period and our support of new Moms and new babies will grow so that as a culture we can recognize and respect how life altering having a baby is (even if it’s your 4th). So, I am writing this is for all mothers. For all mothers who have gone through some form of postpartum depression or psychosis in silence and isolation.
For all mothers who are still tackling fear as a result of postpartum depression or psychosis. For all mothers to be and for all babies to come. Find or build your village and lean on them for support. Ask them questions. Ask for help. Call them to sob and to celebrate! I am also writing this for all families and communities bringing babies into their fold. Moms need you. Probably more than they will say.
Having a baby is not easy, but it will be incredible and it CAN be amazing if you have or get the support you need. If you think you’re alone, you’re not.
You are not crazy and you are not a horrible mother. You are one of us.